10 years

It is hard to believe that ten years have passed since we said good-bye. This time of year always surprises me.  How does the body know what month it is? How does my heart always remember before I see the date?
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and your memory. Each time I make a loaf of bread or sit down at my sewing machine, I think of you and wish you were here. But life does not stand still and moments are lost wishing to change the past, and so as I have racked my brain with ways of celebrating your memory, and your life.  I have chosen to remember on this 10th anniversary of your death, ten lessons I have learned from your life.

1. Serve others with love. You did this so well. Through work, church serving friends and family, you served always with love.  I remember the hours you spent creating props for "Children and Worship", making gifts for loved ones, and the endless miles of driving us kids to our activities. I remember the stories of your patients who would ask that you be their children's god parent or even your hospital roommate in those last few days, who you were making sure she got out of bed, from the other side of the room. I am grateful for the 5 months you arranged your schedule and faithfully woke up early to take care of your grand baby, so that I could go to my teaching job before JJ got home from his night shift...

2. Have faith in God. There are so many times that I feel weak, and full of doubt. When you've been raised to believe that it takes only the faith of a mustard seed to move a mountain and you believe with all your heart that God is going to heal your sick mother because He has the power to do so, and He doesn't, then where do you turn and how do you learn to pray with faith again? In those moments, I remember you. I remember how you sang "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" so strong in that hospital bed, with the tubes of oxygen in your nose, and a smile on your face, when the rest of us could barely finish the song-even when you knew your life on earth would be ending too soon. And I remember the story of you seeing angels when they first put that breathing machine on, after you'd gone too long without oxygen and your lungs were so full of fluid.  And I remember how you returned from wherever you were just to say goodbye to my sister and Grandpa in those last hours. In my darkest hours, I cling to your faith, because you were strong and I know you knew where you were headed next.

3. Be free to laugh and laugh often. I admire this quality although I don't follow your example nearly enough. A few weeks ago, the kids and I watched Dennis The Menace, and I could still hear your laugh each time Dennis was talking. I could imagine the tears rolling down your face as you laughed-much harder than anyone else-but not embarrassed to stifle the joy you felt. I remember how you would tell us stories about something that happened at work and how you could barely get through the story because you were laughing so hard. I wish I could laugh like that.

4.  Love others cook them good food. You always made such good food. Although I have to admit I never liked the cheese strata and to this day I cannot eat eggy casseroles with bread, you inspired me to make food from scratch and taught me that homemade is always better than store bought. As a kid, I remember thinking Kraft macaroni and Butternut bread was a special treat (thank goodness my kids are smarter than I was at that age!) As I come across new recipes and have perfected oatmeal I wish I could call you to tell you about it, or better yet, make it for you. And I'm so grateful for that cookbook you made me of the "Bonga's Best." I will treasure it always.

5. Don't worry about what others think about you. I love that you wore Birkenstock clogs before they were cool, or did yard work in your stretch pants, and wore a nose plug to open swim. I love that you wore a bikini and laid out in the sun when it was barely warm, because you loved to and I love that you took piano lessons as an adult, and didn't worry about what others might think of you. I think we could all use a lesson about that.

6. Play with your kids. Another lesson I need to take to heart. I know you didn't always have time with a full time job, but I remember many times that you came out to play kickball with us. I remember coaching soccer with you in high school and playing soccer with you in college. You went on bike trips with Kendra and David and always encouraged us to be active.

7.  Love your husband. I think that this lesson I learned equally from you and Dad, but I always felt secure in knowing that you loved each other. I only remember 2 disagreements between the two of you and they were  such  rare occasions, that they stuck in my memory. I remember you both being very affectionate when greeting one another, and no matter how much you hated watching tv, you often would take some time to sit and snuggle with him in front of it, just to spend time with him.

8.  Have some discipline. Although you were a carefree spirit, you realized a need for balance and order. Saturdays we cleaned the entire house. You exersized regularly but also took time to sit and relax-drinking your coffee on the porch each afternoon. Although there was always flexibility with this rhythm, discipline was important for a happy home.

9. We are not exclusive. I remember your friends came in every color and race and so did ours. I don't remember noticing  a difference until having a conversation with friends at church who could count the number of nonwhite kids in their school on two hands.  I remember having a conversation with you as you were ironing, about my friend that I had grown up with, who had announced he was gay, and how you said that if we had been that way, you would love us the same.  I remember how our home was always open to anyone and became a home for many outside of our biological bonds. You taught us to see people as people and nothing else.

10. Life is short, so live well.  This is the hardest lesson you've taught me, and I'm not sure I've grasped the live well part yet.  I have spent too much time over the past 10 years worrying about the expiration date of our time on earth and not enough time living the life.  I have learned from those you confided in, that you always suspected you'd die at a young age, and yet I never suspected you had those thoughts. Some people say there is a reason for everything, perhaps there is truth in that. I think there could have been great reasons for your life to continue, many people may have gained faith or kept their faith, but that was not the way things worked out. Through your death, I learned a great lesson in loss, and I am grateful for who I am now  You lived life well and I am thankful for the example you made and the legacy you left.

I love you mom.

The transition continues

     It's been a few months since my last post.  In the last 2 months we traveled 4,000 miles to see family and friends in Michigan and Oklahoma, JJ was deployed to assist in the aftermath of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, we've fostered 2 dogs, and have endured the unexpected cold of northern Arizona.  JJ spent a whirlwind weekend adventuring in Mexico on his motorcycle and has returned for the second semester of his doctoral program.  The kids and I are now preparing to go on our own adventure, this time to Michigan for a Gunson wedding, then continuing on to Virginia to visit with friends and meet the newest member of the Skipper family and finally through North Carolina to visit with my sister in-law and nephews before the return trip to Arizona.  All in all we will be 3 miles short of 5,000 when we return, if you don't count any driving we do in each of our destinations.

     I'll be honest, life in Kayenta hasn't been easy.  True, it is an adventure and there are beautiful places to explore here,  but the unexpected, frigid temps of the winter, combined with the shortened days and the lack of friends to share the times with have been tough.  We knew, going into this that it would be a difficult transition and possibly difficult couple of years, but no matter how you prepare yourself for reality, it's always different than you ever imagined.  

Each time we have moved, I have had to relearn the lesson that life isn't about me being happy.  I do pray that my children are happy, and will have great memories of their childhood, but I often have to remind myself, that it is not what each "home town" has to offer me, rather what do I have to offer each new "home".  It is a difficult lesson. I know that once I begin to involve myself in a meaningful way, I will feel more at home.

Live with you forever....

The other day I was helping Mykah get dressed, and we were putting on her tights-part of her daily uniform.  As she was putting her foot in to the carefully synched up sock, I made the comment of how tough it was to get her tights on.  In reply she said "I should be the Mom and you should be the kid".

I smiled, as she is quite the little mommy, and said "Someday, when you are married and have kids, I will be their grandma"

We discussed this idea for a minute and then she was quiet.  I looked up and she had tears in her eyes, and she very slowly said "I don't want to get married, I want to live with you forever."

I smiled at her sweetness, and hugged her.  "Ok, you can live with me forever".

Ahhhh, the innocence of a 4 year old....

Phoenix

The girls after their recital in Virginia

I was disappointed with my lack of pictures taken this last weekend.  While JJ flew out to Chicago for the weekend of classes, the kids and I camped at the KOA in Apache Junction, AZ with our friends the Wilds girls.  The Wilds are friends from Portsmouth.  A navy family whose daughters quickly became Annika's best friends and their mom quickly became my good friend, perhaps the connection was so easy because of our Michigan homeland.  They PCS'd to San Diego last August (2011), much to our disappointment, but we were  so happy to be within a days drive now, and even better to have a nice middle meeting point to hang out in-Phoenix!

The kids had a great time just hanging out.  It was as though the last year and some months had never past.  On Saturday we drove up part of Apache Trail, with a stop at Goldfield Ghost Town, an obvious tourist trap, but a good spot to stop for the kids.

Watching a gunfight in Goldfield Ghost Town 

After the ghost town, we continued on down Apache Trail, past Canyon Lake-just beautiful, and the road is a paradise for Motorcyclists-and stopped at Tortilla Flat, the last official stage coach stop on the Apache Trail.  They have a fun restaurant with great burgers and saddles to sit on.  The kids enjoyed the atmosphere, and signed a dollar bill to add to the collection on the walls.

Afterwards we tried some prickly pear ice cream. 

On Sunday Julie and the girls headed back to San Diego, and we ran errands, packing up the RV with supplies until the next time we head to town.  The kids were less than thrilled with IKEA, and all the other stops on my list, but what do you do, when your opportunity to shop is so limited? 

Bath time

Have you ever seen such a big baby?

Homeschooling on the rez

Annika, trying to carve into the rock.

I've said it before, but it's worth stating again that I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to homeschool my kids.  I never thought I'd have the desire to homeschool, but after moving to Virginia, the 3rd state in 3 years, and knowing that would possibly be the pattern for the next 20, it seemed the right thing to do.  I'm thankful for the chance to spend so much time with my children, to learn with them, to have the flexibility to learn outside of the "classroom", to travel anytime we want to, to show them the world.  However, just like being a parent, it comes with a huge and sometimes heavy responsibility.

Exploring a female hogan

 Although going to public schools was a great experience for me, I know that I am lazy when it comes to school work.  Somehow I was able to get by with good grades, even being in the honor society, without much studying, or hard work.  I was able to juggle many extracurricular activity, take college prep classes, and hold a job all while succeeding in school-however I realize now that I failed myself and did not retain the things my teachers taught me.  I know you can only retain so much information, and you retain most of what you use on a regular basis, but I was able to store the information fed to me in my short term memory for the tests and release it once I didn't need it anymore.  I am hoping for my own kids, that learning together, and through experiences, they will retain more of what I am teaching them.  Relearning along side my children, I am able to try and help them connect what they learn today with the things we learned in years past.

However, there are many nights that I lay awake and pray that I am not failing my children.  I do not have the schools or other teachers to blame when they are struggling with something.  I cannot write the teacher a letter and tell them that my child needs more help in a certain area.  The responsibility falls on my shoulders when they need more practice or a little more tutoring to succeed.

Mykah displaying her stone cairn

Often times I have to remind myself that the things they struggle with, they would struggle with in school and I have the ability to give them more time and more practice then they would get in school.  I remind myself that in their struggles they would either be singled out into "special groups", labeled, or left behind-which could hurt their self esteem and prevent them from reaching their full potential.  I have to remind myself that everyone learns or makes connections at different times in their journey, and while one child may excel in one area, another excels in quite a different area- but in their differences they will succeed in being what they were meant to be.

Isaak racing through the trail in Arches National Park, UT

In Virginia, they had the opportunity to join a co-op where they had the opportunity to be in classes with friends, and learn from other mom's who had different teaching styles and gifts.  Here in Kayenta we are seeking other opportunities.  Again, I have to remind myself that it took over 2 years to find the co-op that fit us best, and while there are not co-ops here, there is the opportunity for them to join the specials at the local elementary school.  I am looking into that and am hoping it will be a positive experience.

In Virginia, we were blessed to have many friends who were homeschooling their kids.  I enjoyed the support and camaraderie of friends who were on the same journey as I was, to be reminded that everyone has struggles and to be able to brainstorm ideas to help one another and share stories of successes.  My kids also enjoyed being surrounded by other kids who were home-schooled, which gave me a much needed break each day.

We have only home-schooled in Virginia, a state and an area that is saturated with homeschooling families.  Homeschooling on the reservation is a new experience, with new opportunities and experiences.  Our kids are being immersed in a new culture, they are experiencing a new area of the country that is completely different from any place we've ever lived before.  Together we are able to volunteer at an animal shelter, an opportunity that I know they would not be able to have until they were teenagers in any other place.  They have responsibilities there that most people don't have until their first job and are learning such valuable skills and gaining such a unique experience that has already changed them significantly.  I know that they will retain these things that they are learning, because they are experiencing them first hand.

In the times I am stressing out, that I am not doing enough and I see the laundry piling up and the boxes, still needing to be unpacked.  As I dream of projects I'd love to work on, or things I'd love to do for myself, I am constantly learning to be thankful for this time in my life.  I realize how quickly time flies.  I have to remind myself that there will be many hours when the kids are grown up, that I will be able to work on my projects and my house will someday be cleaner, but I will long for these moments of time with my kids.  And my prayer, is that as a result of this experience, the kids will be able to achieve their goals and aspirations.

The Grand Canyon

 Who gets to swing by the Grand Canyon on their way to get groceries?  We do! While we might need to load up the "wagon" and travel into town to get supplies, we do have the benefits of amazing rest stops, and views!

 We left Kayenta after JJ got home from work and drove to the south rim in the dark.  As we were looking for a place to park "Shake Down", I had visions of movies where the people are driving in the dark and unknowingly drive off the cliff-it was slightly eery. 

 But in the morning, we had an amazing view... and with our national parks pass, it was free!

We can't wait to go back.